How The Light Gets In

Nobody saw the blue band. It was hidden from sight. Everybody thought my progression was that rapid that I was able to do a chest to bar pull-up. What they did not know was that even with the band, I was fighting with every inch of my body and mind to pull all of my 53 kilos of me up.

How is it that I am more willing to lift the barbell than pull my own  body weight?

Why is it harder to pull one's own weight than that of another?

The truth is reiterated, pounded relentlessly into my brain: My  own nemesis is myself. Not the burpees. Not the pull up bar. Not even the sled pull where Coach Chino's yell of "Big pulls, Bea!" was deafening to my ears, as if my eardrums could burst all on its own. No. My enemy is my own pathetic body, the voices in my head, the devil inside that taunts me, "Why are you torturing yourself? Just drop the rope and get the hell out of there!" My nemesis is  my very own self with all its tainted glory.

That's really how it all goes, isn't it? With every life choice we make, we come face to face not with that fateful fork in the road but with our own pride, our hubris, our fears, our indecisiveness because of our fears. We come face to face with who and what we are when everybody is looking and when nobody is looking.

What breaks us is us.

But isn't it the same when we reverse the story?

What makes us, what heals us, what builds us and lifts us up from the rut we have allowed ourselves to wallow in is...us.

 

Why is it harder to pull one's body weight than the barbell? 

Often times, we forget ourselves because we prioritize the happiness of others, thinking it's alright because at the end of the day, we can very well manage our own self-accusations, our own renunciations. But what happens then when our reservoir of strength dries up? What happens to the people around us, whose happiness we have come to prioritize over our own well-being? What happens to them?

To take care of oneself is ironically harder to do. Why? The answer sometimes is deep and poetic:

Because the demons we hold in our very souls are more fiery, more scary than those that live outside our heads.  

And sometimes it is simple: We have allowed ourselves to believe that it is selfish to take care of ourselves.

The barbell, we can throw it down on the ground after we're done with it. Our body? Not that easy. Every single day, we live with ourselves. Every single day we make choices, good and not so ideal ones. Every day, we decide, "Is today the day that I will break my own soul? Or is today the day that I will build up my own life?

What makes us is us.

When I decide to build up my own life and not break it down, I am deciding to build up the lives of others. I am deciding not to break them down.

When I eliminate the mindset that to take care of myself is selfish, I am giving space to embrace the truth: To NOT take care of myself IS selfish. 

Therefore when I take care of myself, decide to become healthier, more fit, stronger, sharper in mind and body, I am taking care of the people I have committed to take care of for the rest of my life. When I strive to become  better than who I am, they become better than who they are.

What breaks me is me.  And  where I am most weak, is where  I will find my strength. 

Leonard Cohen sang, " There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

So yes, today and in the coming days, from the weakest corners of my 53 kilo-body, my mind and soul I will build myself up, lift myself up so that those around me may muster the courage to lift themselves up too and let the glorious, transforming light get all the way in. 

Beautifully, Gloriously, Sublimely Different

A lesson found somewhere in between catching your breath and completing another rep.

Be present. Here. Now. This.

This pain.
Sit with this pain.

Feel everything.

Embrace every discomfort.

Breathe.
Be here now. 

A lesson earned somewhere between catching your breath and making another rep. 

You seek something new. Something different. 

Remember different is where you  voraciously  learn from.

Remember you live your life celebrating the different.

Your life is 'the different'.

Embrace the different.
Breathe in the different.
Be the living, breathing different. 

A lesson without question in every breath:

This is your life.

And nobody Else's.

Live it. As you should
The best way you know how--

Beautifully, gloriously, sublimely
Different.

One of Our Own

"Because it is the sense of community that makes the good times sweeter for the sharing and the hard times more bearable for knowing we are not alone. " -Jess Wilson

Laughter erupted throughout the hall. One that was so rich it made your heart sing and weep at the same time. It didn’t matter whether it was a formal event or a regular Rotary meeting; this man certainly knew how to do it-- break the ice, disperse tension, remind us all that we do need to get out of our heads once in a while and see what a joy life is. His trademark mustache added flavor to the slew of comical anecdotes he never fails to give in every gathering. He calls every Rotarian, “My friend”.

And so it was that on a fine Saturday afternoon, September 19, 2015, friends and family gathered, this time to give back what he has given us so generously, so heartily—laughter, poignant reminders to choose joy and a sense of community. The Rotary Club of Ormoc organized “Zumba for My Friend”, Zumba for 90 minutes and “Lift Up Calvin”, barbell deadlifts, to raise funds for RCO Past President Calvin Rosellosa, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.

Why this form of fundraising? One might ask. Well, what better way to honor a friend battling the kind of hurdle he is fighting right now than one that unequivocally shows the pursuit of health and wellness?

But the bigger question remains: "Why not?"

As in why not call for a coming together to lift up a friend? Why not for family?

Above and beyond the call to service, service above self, is it not true that we need not look very far to extend a hand, to lift somebody up from the depths of need? Is it not true that we have to realize that those who stand beside us in the everyday grind need our love as well and perhaps even more so? Those whom we know from our very core are more than the labels of Past President, Rotary member or simply friend, but really in all essence, family?

Family is defined by Merriam-Webster as a group of individuals related to each other by blood, living under one roof. This is a definition we all know too well. But we know too this is pure semantics. Perhaps the following definition is a more relevant one:

"A group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : fellowship."

This is what our dear friend, Calvin has brought us countless times-- fellowship, community, a bond united by joy. A relationship wielded by the one true thing that is the root of service above self and that has conquered barriers since time immemorial-- love. And this is what we gave back and will continue giving back.

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love, " Mother Teresa once said. As Rotarians, with the magnanimous service we contribute to the community, let us not forget the small, often nameless things that equally and perhaps more pressingly need our attention-- the needs of one of our own.

For you, our friend, dear Calvin, especially now that you have come back exuberant and alive more than ever, this we assure you, we will do all things with great love and jubilant joy, with mustaches on if we have to.

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." - Anthony Brandt

This Conversation

The hubby and I were in a discussion yesterday of how our eating habits have drastically changed or rather how we decided to change our eating habits. If before chips and soda were a staple in our kitchen, now, vegetables and lean meats take their place. Of course we do enjoy a bit of blueberry cheesecake maybe once or twice a month, but our bodies and minds have adapted to this new and better homeostasis we decided to create. I emphasize the word "decide" here to signify that the positive changes we have seen now  did not come out loftily. It was an everyday willful and conscious act on our part. Every time we held food and drinks to our mouths we asked ourselves, "Will this sustenance give us long-term benefits or will this only give us a temporary high?" 

Aside from nutrition change, we decided to become fitter and  stronger by doing CrossFit. As with our nutrition overhaul, everyday that we find ourselves slacking off in doing workouts, we remind ourselves, "Everyday we decide not to sit on our asses is a day we give ourselves a fighting chance to live a day longer and stronger." 

More importantly becoming fitter and stronger physically has significantly impacted our brain's executive functioning. We think and work more efficiently. In my case, the length of time planning out student activities have been cut into half from how long I use to achieve it before. Also, I am able to act on the fly in dealing with various situations that require an immediate change of plans, whether it's dealing with parents in school, mentoring teachers or handling students.

Many have remarked how much different I look now, how slimmer I am and how my body has turned into this and that, what persistence and courage I have to pursue and withstand the pain and intensity of CrossFit. And every time I hear them say these things,  I wish we had enough time to talk about all that I have written here. But there never seems to be enough time. Or at least there never seems to be enough time for me to convince them to decide to make better choices in eating habits and exercise.

The decision to change  after all is highly personal and largely depends on one's motivation. 

So why am I writing this post along with a photo of me taken October 2013 (left) and December 2014 (right), before and after I decided to overhaul my eating habits and be more active by doing CrossFit? 

One, to generate, not "likes" but to welcome and encourage a positive discussion and continuous discourse on the very thing I am bent on sharing especially to people who matter to me, friends and family-- the love of not just CrossFit, but fitness and health. Let's start with our motivations. Mine has always been my boys, Garret and Morgan. What's yours? 

Two, perhaps in the process of discourse, I can convince just one or two people to start rethinking their lives in the way they feed themselves and in the way they treat their bodies and their minds.

Finally, I am writing this to affirm and celebrate how far I have come in terms of nutrition and health. I  eat better now. I am healthier now. I am stronger now, physically and mentally. This is not to say that the work on myself is done. It never is. While I do not and will never strive for perfection, I do aim for progression onwards to the fulfillment of my ultimate genetic and psychological potential. I work on myself constantly to bring out the best of my humanity, to be more human. Because isn't this the reason why we are given this one life?

Whoever you are reading this, whether we are acquaintances, friends or family, I do want you to be healthier, stronger, better. Because when you become healthier, stronger, a better person, the people around you, friends and family will hopefully be inspired to better themselves, our community then becomes better. So when that happens, slowly but surely, our world will become better. And who wouldn't want that? 

So let's have this conversation. Because this is where change begins, when we begin to talk openly about things. Things that do matter-- Fitness, health, living the life we are meant to live.  Or we can talk about clothes, a great selection of basic dresses, for starters, if that's your primary motivation to start having an active life, so you can fit into clothes you would like to wear. You matter. Tell me what you think.

"Investing on yourself is the best investment you will ever make. It will not only improve your life. It will also improve the lives of all those around you." - Robin S. Sharma

One Year Later

July 5, 2015

Today last year, I finished my elements classes in CrossFit Pintados. I pause and reflect on what CrossFit has brought to my life in the past year. Obvious questions come up such as: Can I now do a proper push-up? Can I pull myself up without the help of a band? Can I now do double-unders? Can I now do the movements as prescribed? Truth be told my answers to these are not yes.

There is no harsher critic than myself. So I am not at all elated with this fact. And frequently I succumb to the temptation of comparing myself with other CrossFitters who started last year as well, which clearly does not do me any good. 

However, I am reminded of the reason that I decided to do CrossFit. Having survived the most devastating typhoon recorded in history, I saw this as a second chance at life. What was I going to do with this second chance the Universe so generously gave me? I decided to overhaul my life starting with the way I took care of my body. I decided to give myself a physical, emotional and mental transformation.

For myself but most especially for my family. I found how CrossFit has become a medium of many all around the world to change their lives for the better. I said to myself, "I want this. I will do this. CrossFit is my second chance at life." 

So perhaps the more important questions I should be asking myself a year after are these: Am I now a better mother, wife? Am I now a more efficient teacher? Am I now a more compassionate leader in our school? Am I now a more discerning mentor?  Am I now a realer friend? Am I now a better person than I was last year?

Because the very essence of CrossFit has always been virtuosity. In gymnastics it is defined as "Doing common things uncommonly well."  In real life,  isn't it simply the fulfilling of one's daily roles in life exceedingly well?

So a year later I find myself in the company of our grade 1 and 2 students facilitating their functional movement exercises basked in their energy, excitement and enthusiasm. I find myself with our preschool, elementary and high school teachers striving to be a better leader by exemplifying optimal health and a better lifestyle, one squat at a time, one better nutrition choice at a time. I find myself collaborating with parents with more verve, vigor and with a no-nonsense attitude while striving still for that much needed empathy they need, we all need. 

 

One year later, I find myself nourishing real friendships, those that give value to my soul, those that only make me want to better myself even more. I find myself seeking for those singular, soul baring and spirit nurturing conversations while discarding those that are just noise. I find myself, reaching out to people sharing my experiences that may help them in their own lives. 

I find myself 365 days later with my life partner in invigorating discourses on various matters that are elemental in our life,  in the shooting range honing and distilling my skills in weapons manipulation, body mechanics and sharp mindset, in a two-hour Combatives Training learning how to protect myself and my family in an unfortunate event of a threat.

 

One year later, I find myself always in the present moment with our two very special boys, me deciding to  take the reins of their education, maximizing every opportunity available to us so they can optimize their potential. Today, one year later, I find myself celebrating the very essence of who they are every single day but now more intensely than ever before.

 So as I have asked myself days before I turned 31 years old three years ago, I ask myself now the most important question of all: Am I a better person than I was the year before?

Truth be told, I feel it in my bones and with every fiber of my being that I am. But more importantly, I know that I still have room to grow. I still can be better. Every day. Every year. For the rest of my life.

"No matter what happens in your day, bounce back. Winners aren't people who never hit the floor. Winners are people who didn't stay there." - Lisbeth Darsh

Why I Lift

For you my Garret
For you my Morgan
For you Charmaine
For you Chesi
For you Monic
For you André
For you Rina
For you Tiny
For you Uzzel
For you Suzette
For you Christine
For you Caelyn
For you Helene
For you Jaxene

With every breath caught
And bead of sweat formed
For every muscle stretched
For every time my body
screams no more

I chalk my hands
I position my feet, knees,
legs, hips
I grip the barbell
I can do this
I can lift this
Rip it from the ground
And get underneath
I stand back up
Replace

Breathe, reset, repeat

Isn't that
What we were taught
As kids?

To pray.
Every night and every day.

Here's what we do:
Close our eyes
Position our feet, knees,
Kneel
Hands, palms
Together
Say fervently
Bless everyone we love
Give us strength
And we believe
Miracles happen
Then we stand
And breathe
Live another day
And repeat

What is prayer after all?
Isn't it anything done out of
Love?

Perhaps I don't do church but
I lift and when I do
It is prayer
For all of you.

“Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
― Rumi

Strength / Skill:

30Sec Plank
30Sec Off
X5
30Sec Hollow Rocks
30Sec off
X5

10 min EMOM of
1 Power Clean
1 Hang Clean
1 High Hang Clean
1 Squat Clean

METCON
3 RFT of
3 Squat Cleans 30kg
6 Chest to bar pull ups
20 Meter Farmer's Carry

Human

After a long time, the hubby and I finally got back to Crossfit Pintados in Cebu. A long overdue visit. It was time to rejuvenate, to drink from the well of positive energy, wellness and community. Still struggling with cough and colds, I decided to still do the WODs. I was sick for almost two weeks and I was sick of being sick. (Anybody relate?)

Needless to say, I did not finish one of the WODs, as Coach Jayson, upon seeing my fire engine-red face after the third round, decided that I not continue. After catching my breath, my brain was working over time, firing lessons I needed to learn from this humbling experience. 

1. I am not wonder woman, black widow or whoever superhero there is out there. Not even a nuance thereof. I. am. human. When my body says it's time to rest. I need to Listen. No shame in saying, I can't do this. For now.

2. When I lift the barbell or throw that wall ball way up in the air, I need to use my hips, my core. Where all power and strength comes. The arms can only do so much. But when I learn to be aware where my power and strength comes, and move my body accordingly, amazing things happen. I am able to throw that dreaded wall ball 9 feet high and thrust that dreaded barbell up and over my head.

A recurring lesson: Do things from where your heart is, where your passion lies.  Otherwise, you'll burn out. Obligation can only do so much. Desire on the other hand can make you do amazing things. Actually achieving your dreams, for one. And when this happens, you shine so much positive energy to those around you that they cannot help but be inspired and finally decide to follow their passions as well. When this happens, imagine how better our community, our world could be.

In the same manner, we need people who lift us up, propel us up, not drag us down. Learn to sift through the pile. Again and again. If we can't find any, we have got to learn to lift ourselves up. There is only strength and wisdom to be gained.

3. Don't be afraid to go heavy. Heavy on the lifts. Heavy in volume. That's the only way your core and quads will activate.

Conflict, adversity, struggle is inevitable. As certain as the sun rises.  It is not something to overcome. It is something one has to learn to live with and be stronger, become more human because of it.

When adversity comes, when people do what they are bound to do-- hurt us, there's no shame in admitting," I am hurt." That only means something or someone is , has been important to us. And that is exactly what we should work towards -- to be more human, To feel more deeply. To care more genuinely. To be more open to life's tragedies and miracles.

4. Scale accordingly. "Start where you are. Use what you have." Be aware of how your body moves, the position of your feet, the weight on your heels, how you stabilize your core. Work with what your body can do. Stop comparing yourself with others. Love your body and how it progresses. But work on getting stronger.  Then work your way up.

We are all trying to make it in this life. We all are. With every choice we make, the paths we forge and bridges we need to burn. We are choosing with the mental and emotional capacity, maturity and  wisdom that we have from the life experiences we have had as of the moment. With each choice, we learn, learn better and we become better, however we define better to be.

Remember what is important: Progress not perfection.

This is exactly why I love Crossfit. Everytime I'm inside the box, I'm actually learning outside the box. Life skills and wisdom that can only be gained with an open mind, an open heart and open nostrils (ha!), ripped palms, knees to the ground, arms outstretched to the skies.

And this is why I write. To cement the lessons that have come from every thruster, snatch or run. To make memories last longer. So I can go back to and gather strength from them especially during those times when times get rough. To celebrate the person I have become every time my body screams bloody murder. To be grateful for having been given this amazing opportunity to be transformed time and again, to have been given a second chance everyday to become a better person, to becoming more human. 

Somewhere along the way, I may have forgotten what it truly is to live. I spend my life with fists raised to protect myself from failure. Unknowingly with a mindset like this, I have lost touch with the very essence of the life the Universe has gifted me with.

I am human. And I should celebrate my being one. Every time I stray away from my "humanness", I should strive to always find my way back.

Crossfit lets me find my way back. All the time.

What a truly blessed human I am!

Photo Description: Image is my left hand, palm ripped, which by the way does not even come close to what those 44  police officers experienced and what their families are going through right now,  from the Hero WOD we conquered to honor the fallen 44 SAF police officers in the battle of Mamapasano on January 25, 2015.