How The Light Gets In

Nobody saw the blue band. It was hidden from sight. Everybody thought my progression was that rapid that I was able to do a chest to bar pull-up. What they did not know was that even with the band, I was fighting with every inch of my body and mind to pull all of my 53 kilos of me up.

How is it that I am more willing to lift the barbell than pull my own  body weight?

Why is it harder to pull one's own weight than that of another?

The truth is reiterated, pounded relentlessly into my brain: My  own nemesis is myself. Not the burpees. Not the pull up bar. Not even the sled pull where Coach Chino's yell of "Big pulls, Bea!" was deafening to my ears, as if my eardrums could burst all on its own. No. My enemy is my own pathetic body, the voices in my head, the devil inside that taunts me, "Why are you torturing yourself? Just drop the rope and get the hell out of there!" My nemesis is  my very own self with all its tainted glory.

That's really how it all goes, isn't it? With every life choice we make, we come face to face not with that fateful fork in the road but with our own pride, our hubris, our fears, our indecisiveness because of our fears. We come face to face with who and what we are when everybody is looking and when nobody is looking.

What breaks us is us.

But isn't it the same when we reverse the story?

What makes us, what heals us, what builds us and lifts us up from the rut we have allowed ourselves to wallow in is...us.

 

Why is it harder to pull one's body weight than the barbell? 

Often times, we forget ourselves because we prioritize the happiness of others, thinking it's alright because at the end of the day, we can very well manage our own self-accusations, our own renunciations. But what happens then when our reservoir of strength dries up? What happens to the people around us, whose happiness we have come to prioritize over our own well-being? What happens to them?

To take care of oneself is ironically harder to do. Why? The answer sometimes is deep and poetic:

Because the demons we hold in our very souls are more fiery, more scary than those that live outside our heads.  

And sometimes it is simple: We have allowed ourselves to believe that it is selfish to take care of ourselves.

The barbell, we can throw it down on the ground after we're done with it. Our body? Not that easy. Every single day, we live with ourselves. Every single day we make choices, good and not so ideal ones. Every day, we decide, "Is today the day that I will break my own soul? Or is today the day that I will build up my own life?

What makes us is us.

When I decide to build up my own life and not break it down, I am deciding to build up the lives of others. I am deciding not to break them down.

When I eliminate the mindset that to take care of myself is selfish, I am giving space to embrace the truth: To NOT take care of myself IS selfish. 

Therefore when I take care of myself, decide to become healthier, more fit, stronger, sharper in mind and body, I am taking care of the people I have committed to take care of for the rest of my life. When I strive to become  better than who I am, they become better than who they are.

What breaks me is me.  And  where I am most weak, is where  I will find my strength. 

Leonard Cohen sang, " There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

So yes, today and in the coming days, from the weakest corners of my 53 kilo-body, my mind and soul I will build myself up, lift myself up so that those around me may muster the courage to lift themselves up too and let the glorious, transforming light get all the way in. 

Beautifully, Gloriously, Sublimely Different

A lesson found somewhere in between catching your breath and completing another rep.

Be present. Here. Now. This.

This pain.
Sit with this pain.

Feel everything.

Embrace every discomfort.

Breathe.
Be here now. 

A lesson earned somewhere between catching your breath and making another rep. 

You seek something new. Something different. 

Remember different is where you  voraciously  learn from.

Remember you live your life celebrating the different.

Your life is 'the different'.

Embrace the different.
Breathe in the different.
Be the living, breathing different. 

A lesson without question in every breath:

This is your life.

And nobody Else's.

Live it. As you should
The best way you know how--

Beautifully, gloriously, sublimely
Different.

One of Our Own

"Because it is the sense of community that makes the good times sweeter for the sharing and the hard times more bearable for knowing we are not alone. " -Jess Wilson

Laughter erupted throughout the hall. One that was so rich it made your heart sing and weep at the same time. It didn’t matter whether it was a formal event or a regular Rotary meeting; this man certainly knew how to do it-- break the ice, disperse tension, remind us all that we do need to get out of our heads once in a while and see what a joy life is. His trademark mustache added flavor to the slew of comical anecdotes he never fails to give in every gathering. He calls every Rotarian, “My friend”.

And so it was that on a fine Saturday afternoon, September 19, 2015, friends and family gathered, this time to give back what he has given us so generously, so heartily—laughter, poignant reminders to choose joy and a sense of community. The Rotary Club of Ormoc organized “Zumba for My Friend”, Zumba for 90 minutes and “Lift Up Calvin”, barbell deadlifts, to raise funds for RCO Past President Calvin Rosellosa, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.

Why this form of fundraising? One might ask. Well, what better way to honor a friend battling the kind of hurdle he is fighting right now than one that unequivocally shows the pursuit of health and wellness?

But the bigger question remains: "Why not?"

As in why not call for a coming together to lift up a friend? Why not for family?

Above and beyond the call to service, service above self, is it not true that we need not look very far to extend a hand, to lift somebody up from the depths of need? Is it not true that we have to realize that those who stand beside us in the everyday grind need our love as well and perhaps even more so? Those whom we know from our very core are more than the labels of Past President, Rotary member or simply friend, but really in all essence, family?

Family is defined by Merriam-Webster as a group of individuals related to each other by blood, living under one roof. This is a definition we all know too well. But we know too this is pure semantics. Perhaps the following definition is a more relevant one:

"A group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : fellowship."

This is what our dear friend, Calvin has brought us countless times-- fellowship, community, a bond united by joy. A relationship wielded by the one true thing that is the root of service above self and that has conquered barriers since time immemorial-- love. And this is what we gave back and will continue giving back.

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love, " Mother Teresa once said. As Rotarians, with the magnanimous service we contribute to the community, let us not forget the small, often nameless things that equally and perhaps more pressingly need our attention-- the needs of one of our own.

For you, our friend, dear Calvin, especially now that you have come back exuberant and alive more than ever, this we assure you, we will do all things with great love and jubilant joy, with mustaches on if we have to.

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." - Anthony Brandt

This Conversation

The hubby and I were in a discussion yesterday of how our eating habits have drastically changed or rather how we decided to change our eating habits. If before chips and soda were a staple in our kitchen, now, vegetables and lean meats take their place. Of course we do enjoy a bit of blueberry cheesecake maybe once or twice a month, but our bodies and minds have adapted to this new and better homeostasis we decided to create. I emphasize the word "decide" here to signify that the positive changes we have seen now  did not come out loftily. It was an everyday willful and conscious act on our part. Every time we held food and drinks to our mouths we asked ourselves, "Will this sustenance give us long-term benefits or will this only give us a temporary high?" 

Aside from nutrition change, we decided to become fitter and  stronger by doing CrossFit. As with our nutrition overhaul, everyday that we find ourselves slacking off in doing workouts, we remind ourselves, "Everyday we decide not to sit on our asses is a day we give ourselves a fighting chance to live a day longer and stronger." 

More importantly becoming fitter and stronger physically has significantly impacted our brain's executive functioning. We think and work more efficiently. In my case, the length of time planning out student activities have been cut into half from how long I use to achieve it before. Also, I am able to act on the fly in dealing with various situations that require an immediate change of plans, whether it's dealing with parents in school, mentoring teachers or handling students.

Many have remarked how much different I look now, how slimmer I am and how my body has turned into this and that, what persistence and courage I have to pursue and withstand the pain and intensity of CrossFit. And every time I hear them say these things,  I wish we had enough time to talk about all that I have written here. But there never seems to be enough time. Or at least there never seems to be enough time for me to convince them to decide to make better choices in eating habits and exercise.

The decision to change  after all is highly personal and largely depends on one's motivation. 

So why am I writing this post along with a photo of me taken October 2013 (left) and December 2014 (right), before and after I decided to overhaul my eating habits and be more active by doing CrossFit? 

One, to generate, not "likes" but to welcome and encourage a positive discussion and continuous discourse on the very thing I am bent on sharing especially to people who matter to me, friends and family-- the love of not just CrossFit, but fitness and health. Let's start with our motivations. Mine has always been my boys, Garret and Morgan. What's yours? 

Two, perhaps in the process of discourse, I can convince just one or two people to start rethinking their lives in the way they feed themselves and in the way they treat their bodies and their minds.

Finally, I am writing this to affirm and celebrate how far I have come in terms of nutrition and health. I  eat better now. I am healthier now. I am stronger now, physically and mentally. This is not to say that the work on myself is done. It never is. While I do not and will never strive for perfection, I do aim for progression onwards to the fulfillment of my ultimate genetic and psychological potential. I work on myself constantly to bring out the best of my humanity, to be more human. Because isn't this the reason why we are given this one life?

Whoever you are reading this, whether we are acquaintances, friends or family, I do want you to be healthier, stronger, better. Because when you become healthier, stronger, a better person, the people around you, friends and family will hopefully be inspired to better themselves, our community then becomes better. So when that happens, slowly but surely, our world will become better. And who wouldn't want that? 

So let's have this conversation. Because this is where change begins, when we begin to talk openly about things. Things that do matter-- Fitness, health, living the life we are meant to live.  Or we can talk about clothes, a great selection of basic dresses, for starters, if that's your primary motivation to start having an active life, so you can fit into clothes you would like to wear. You matter. Tell me what you think.

"Investing on yourself is the best investment you will ever make. It will not only improve your life. It will also improve the lives of all those around you." - Robin S. Sharma

One Year Later

July 5, 2015

Today last year, I finished my elements classes in CrossFit Pintados. I pause and reflect on what CrossFit has brought to my life in the past year. Obvious questions come up such as: Can I now do a proper push-up? Can I pull myself up without the help of a band? Can I now do double-unders? Can I now do the movements as prescribed? Truth be told my answers to these are not yes.

There is no harsher critic than myself. So I am not at all elated with this fact. And frequently I succumb to the temptation of comparing myself with other CrossFitters who started last year as well, which clearly does not do me any good. 

However, I am reminded of the reason that I decided to do CrossFit. Having survived the most devastating typhoon recorded in history, I saw this as a second chance at life. What was I going to do with this second chance the Universe so generously gave me? I decided to overhaul my life starting with the way I took care of my body. I decided to give myself a physical, emotional and mental transformation.

For myself but most especially for my family. I found how CrossFit has become a medium of many all around the world to change their lives for the better. I said to myself, "I want this. I will do this. CrossFit is my second chance at life." 

So perhaps the more important questions I should be asking myself a year after are these: Am I now a better mother, wife? Am I now a more efficient teacher? Am I now a more compassionate leader in our school? Am I now a more discerning mentor?  Am I now a realer friend? Am I now a better person than I was last year?

Because the very essence of CrossFit has always been virtuosity. In gymnastics it is defined as "Doing common things uncommonly well."  In real life,  isn't it simply the fulfilling of one's daily roles in life exceedingly well?

So a year later I find myself in the company of our grade 1 and 2 students facilitating their functional movement exercises basked in their energy, excitement and enthusiasm. I find myself with our preschool, elementary and high school teachers striving to be a better leader by exemplifying optimal health and a better lifestyle, one squat at a time, one better nutrition choice at a time. I find myself collaborating with parents with more verve, vigor and with a no-nonsense attitude while striving still for that much needed empathy they need, we all need. 

 

One year later, I find myself nourishing real friendships, those that give value to my soul, those that only make me want to better myself even more. I find myself seeking for those singular, soul baring and spirit nurturing conversations while discarding those that are just noise. I find myself, reaching out to people sharing my experiences that may help them in their own lives. 

I find myself 365 days later with my life partner in invigorating discourses on various matters that are elemental in our life,  in the shooting range honing and distilling my skills in weapons manipulation, body mechanics and sharp mindset, in a two-hour Combatives Training learning how to protect myself and my family in an unfortunate event of a threat.

 

One year later, I find myself always in the present moment with our two very special boys, me deciding to  take the reins of their education, maximizing every opportunity available to us so they can optimize their potential. Today, one year later, I find myself celebrating the very essence of who they are every single day but now more intensely than ever before.

 So as I have asked myself days before I turned 31 years old three years ago, I ask myself now the most important question of all: Am I a better person than I was the year before?

Truth be told, I feel it in my bones and with every fiber of my being that I am. But more importantly, I know that I still have room to grow. I still can be better. Every day. Every year. For the rest of my life.

"No matter what happens in your day, bounce back. Winners aren't people who never hit the floor. Winners are people who didn't stay there." - Lisbeth Darsh

Why I Lift

For you my Garret
For you my Morgan
For you Charmaine
For you Chesi
For you Monic
For you André
For you Rina
For you Tiny
For you Uzzel
For you Suzette
For you Christine
For you Caelyn
For you Helene
For you Jaxene

With every breath caught
And bead of sweat formed
For every muscle stretched
For every time my body
screams no more

I chalk my hands
I position my feet, knees,
legs, hips
I grip the barbell
I can do this
I can lift this
Rip it from the ground
And get underneath
I stand back up
Replace

Breathe, reset, repeat

Isn't that
What we were taught
As kids?

To pray.
Every night and every day.

Here's what we do:
Close our eyes
Position our feet, knees,
Kneel
Hands, palms
Together
Say fervently
Bless everyone we love
Give us strength
And we believe
Miracles happen
Then we stand
And breathe
Live another day
And repeat

What is prayer after all?
Isn't it anything done out of
Love?

Perhaps I don't do church but
I lift and when I do
It is prayer
For all of you.

“Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
― Rumi

Strength / Skill:

30Sec Plank
30Sec Off
X5
30Sec Hollow Rocks
30Sec off
X5

10 min EMOM of
1 Power Clean
1 Hang Clean
1 High Hang Clean
1 Squat Clean

METCON
3 RFT of
3 Squat Cleans 30kg
6 Chest to bar pull ups
20 Meter Farmer's Carry

Human

After a long time, the hubby and I finally got back to Crossfit Pintados in Cebu. A long overdue visit. It was time to rejuvenate, to drink from the well of positive energy, wellness and community. Still struggling with cough and colds, I decided to still do the WODs. I was sick for almost two weeks and I was sick of being sick. (Anybody relate?)

Needless to say, I did not finish one of the WODs, as Coach Jayson, upon seeing my fire engine-red face after the third round, decided that I not continue. After catching my breath, my brain was working over time, firing lessons I needed to learn from this humbling experience. 

1. I am not wonder woman, black widow or whoever superhero there is out there. Not even a nuance thereof. I. am. human. When my body says it's time to rest. I need to Listen. No shame in saying, I can't do this. For now.

2. When I lift the barbell or throw that wall ball way up in the air, I need to use my hips, my core. Where all power and strength comes. The arms can only do so much. But when I learn to be aware where my power and strength comes, and move my body accordingly, amazing things happen. I am able to throw that dreaded wall ball 9 feet high and thrust that dreaded barbell up and over my head.

A recurring lesson: Do things from where your heart is, where your passion lies.  Otherwise, you'll burn out. Obligation can only do so much. Desire on the other hand can make you do amazing things. Actually achieving your dreams, for one. And when this happens, you shine so much positive energy to those around you that they cannot help but be inspired and finally decide to follow their passions as well. When this happens, imagine how better our community, our world could be.

In the same manner, we need people who lift us up, propel us up, not drag us down. Learn to sift through the pile. Again and again. If we can't find any, we have got to learn to lift ourselves up. There is only strength and wisdom to be gained.

3. Don't be afraid to go heavy. Heavy on the lifts. Heavy in volume. That's the only way your core and quads will activate.

Conflict, adversity, struggle is inevitable. As certain as the sun rises.  It is not something to overcome. It is something one has to learn to live with and be stronger, become more human because of it.

When adversity comes, when people do what they are bound to do-- hurt us, there's no shame in admitting," I am hurt." That only means something or someone is , has been important to us. And that is exactly what we should work towards -- to be more human, To feel more deeply. To care more genuinely. To be more open to life's tragedies and miracles.

4. Scale accordingly. "Start where you are. Use what you have." Be aware of how your body moves, the position of your feet, the weight on your heels, how you stabilize your core. Work with what your body can do. Stop comparing yourself with others. Love your body and how it progresses. But work on getting stronger.  Then work your way up.

We are all trying to make it in this life. We all are. With every choice we make, the paths we forge and bridges we need to burn. We are choosing with the mental and emotional capacity, maturity and  wisdom that we have from the life experiences we have had as of the moment. With each choice, we learn, learn better and we become better, however we define better to be.

Remember what is important: Progress not perfection.

This is exactly why I love Crossfit. Everytime I'm inside the box, I'm actually learning outside the box. Life skills and wisdom that can only be gained with an open mind, an open heart and open nostrils (ha!), ripped palms, knees to the ground, arms outstretched to the skies.

And this is why I write. To cement the lessons that have come from every thruster, snatch or run. To make memories last longer. So I can go back to and gather strength from them especially during those times when times get rough. To celebrate the person I have become every time my body screams bloody murder. To be grateful for having been given this amazing opportunity to be transformed time and again, to have been given a second chance everyday to become a better person, to becoming more human. 

Somewhere along the way, I may have forgotten what it truly is to live. I spend my life with fists raised to protect myself from failure. Unknowingly with a mindset like this, I have lost touch with the very essence of the life the Universe has gifted me with.

I am human. And I should celebrate my being one. Every time I stray away from my "humanness", I should strive to always find my way back.

Crossfit lets me find my way back. All the time.

What a truly blessed human I am!

Photo Description: Image is my left hand, palm ripped, which by the way does not even come close to what those 44  police officers experienced and what their families are going through right now,  from the Hero WOD we conquered to honor the fallen 44 SAF police officers in the battle of Mamapasano on January 25, 2015.

The Right Time

"Do not wait. The time will never be "just right". - Napoleon Hill

The right dress. The right handbag. The right shoes. The right shade of lipstick. The right hair color or texture. The right shoes.  The right mate. The right conditions and many more other "right things."

Call it being a woman. Or call it good old human nature. We want all the conditions to be just right. But is there ever such a thing? 

To go after one's dreams. To pursue the love of one's life. To decide to be a better parent, spouse, daughter, son, brother, sister, friend. To decide to be a better person, is there such a thing as the "right time"?

Weeks before my elements classes at Crossfit Pintados Cebu, my husband helped me prepare myself mentally and physically. The  Crossfit YouTube tutorial videos and Crossfit Journeys  we watched was our everyday soul food. He thoughtfully bought me all the gear I needed: Crossfit Nanos, tank tops, dry-fit shirts, sports bras, shorts, socks, head band, water bottle and recovery drink.   At the time, there was no available retailer in the country that we knew of that sold the prescribed Crossfit shoes. So he ordered it from Rogue, had it shipped from the U.S. via a private courier to ensure the safety of the package. We paid a fine sum for the shipping. But it was all worth it.

My decision to do Crossfit was borne out of the terrible ordeal we went through with Typhoon Haiyan where our house was ripped to shreds, and we had to evacuate in the middle of the typhoon to our neighbor's house, my husband and me carrying our two boys with special needs. I realized how easily our life could have been taken in an instant. But we are still here and very much alive. It's amazing how an ordeal such as this could bring things into a much clearer perspective, which is to know and fully be aware that what is important is immaterial. I decided to be healthier in mind and body. I decided to live a life that is not just  disease-free but one where I have optimal physical and mental health so that well into my late years, I can still meet the needs of my two boys. However much they will need me. They deserve that without question.

Crossfit is not a leisurely walk in the park.  It requires mental toughness more than physical strength. A mindset tougher more than anyone could ever imagine. This is why the amount of detail that my husband put into preparing me gear-wise is more deeply-rooted than me just looking good out there. Wearing the proper attire-- shoes, shorts, tank top, etc all make for creating a solid mindset that what I, we have decided upon was, is a decision of a lifetime. There was, is no turning back.

So it is that many have teased me about how it seemed as if I was a Rogue endorser since I was so "decked out" in Rogue gear. At the time I had no comeback of any kind save for a sheepish grin. But here's my response now: I need to wear the proper shoes so I can do my squats, which is the foundation of all movements in Crossfit, the right way. I need to wear a breathable top and bottom apparel so I do not overheat when the WODs get the better of me. I need to wear a head band to prevent sweat from searing and drenching my eyes blurring my vision. I can't have blurry vision when I jump on that 30" box. Who wants to get unnecessarily injured or harmed in the process of becoming more fit, more strong, more healthy? Certainly no one.

Am I saying, you all should get decked out in Rogue gear? Of course not. The great thing about deciding to change for the better  by becoming physically stronger and healthier is that you begin to discover a plethora of ways and means to achieve that goal, including and beginning with acquiring the proper attire from your head gear down to your proper sports shoes. Becoming better need not require hard-to-access requirements. All it requires is a generous amount of initiative on your part to take the first step. Whether it's  a selection of apparels from Rogue or an easily accessible website such as Zalora, (yes, they have a selection of sports apparel) all that really matters is that you decide to become better.  Check out Gearbox PH as well while we're at it.

You may be saying now, "What is she, a product endorser now?" Aren't we all for all our beliefs and faiths in various things theoretical, material and immaterial?  What I can say to you  is that  I am  certainly on a mission. If this blog is of any use, I will use my words so others will be challenged to decide to become better, stronger, healthier in mind and body. I'm on a mission to stay steadfast on the course of becoming a better person, stronger and healthier in mind and body. And on this road I have chosen to tread on, I adamantly hope that others join me in this journey as well.

To grab life by the collar and to refuse to live a life that is anything less than extraordinary, there are no "right" conditions. To decide to become a better person however you define "better" to be, there are no 'right' conditions.  Haiyan was what propelled me to decide to become a better person. Maybe Haiyan was the "right conditions", was the "right time" for me. But I choose to look at it this way, that it was  a second chance  to know and realize that to just be alive  is the only  "right" condition.

"Do not wait: the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand and work whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along."

- Napoleon Hill

The First Rule

     The first rule in Crossfit is to talk about Crossfit. We joke about this every time. Because it is true. We who have joined this wonderful, amazing, beautiful world of Crossfit do talk about it. All the time. We read Crossfit journals. We watch countless videos. We research. And then we share it on Facebook or Instagram. We try to convince other people to do Crossfit. We spread the love of Crossfit by word and deed. Then we talk about it some more. Some call us a cult of sorts.

      But I would like to think that for the most part, we talk about the essence of Crossfit. What Crossfit has done to our lives. What significant and powerful changes it has made in our body and mind and even in our spirituality. Because above and beyond all the journals, the videos of the athletes, the articles, the tips on doing that perfect, power clean, deadlift,  snatch or jerk, are the stories of transformation and healing. This year, there is an estimated 10,000 Crossfit affiliates all around the world. Imagine the number of stories from those ten thousand boxes. Such an abundance of healing and transformation. All one has to do to get a daily dose of positive energy and perhaps find the catalyst for personal change for those who are still seeking it is to listen to those stories. And listen well.

     My own story is simple. I am by no means athletic. Growing up I was made fun of by my cousins because I was the slowest runner among them being a chubby kid. While I grew out of that "chubby phase", I was for the most part sedentary where P.E. all throughout school was just a requirement that I had to pass.  At age 23, I got married, had a beautiful boy in 2005 and another beautiful boy in 2008. Both have autism.  In November 8, 2013, our house was ravaged by Typhoon Yolanda. In the midst of the storm we had to run from one room to another as the ceilings collapsed one by one, me carrying our younger son all throughout until we had to evacuate to our neighbor's house. Suffice it to say that the greatest lesson I ever learned from that disaster was that life could be taken away in just a split of a second. And this is why I questioned myself, "What use is this life if we do not live it with so much passion and purpose that "even death would even tremble to take us"?

     Yolanda was a wake-up call. I could no longer could live my life as passively as I did before. I could no longer place my well-being on external forces. I could no longer put the work of being happy on other people. With the needs of my two very special boys, I realized I had to step up in making sure that even well into my late years, I am still able to be by their side very alive and kicking sharply. But more than that, I decided that the only way to live was to live remarkably. To work with so much commitment and passion it does not matter that I would exhaust my emotional and mental energy at the end of the day.  To share precious quality time with people who matter in my life, who are able to make a better person. To choose the high road-- forgiveness, peace, grace, courage, hope.  

          This is where Crossfit fit exactly into my life. With every warm-up, mobility, lift, metabolic conditioning, in every single part of the WOD, the very purpose of Crossfit is to bring you to the very center of your being and demand you answer the question, "Why?" as in "why the hell are you doing this? What for?" And each time that you answer, "Because I want to be stronger, healthier, sharper. Because I want to be better", you find strength to lift that kettle bell one more time, to clean that barbell one more time, to nail that pull-up one more time.  This is the essence of Crossfit-- To always bring us out of our comfort zones, to drive us to the edge of our fears,  to grind us, to take the very best and worst of us, obliterate the very best and worst of our egos,  so we can break down and from that ground upon which we have fallen, we begin to heal, transform, become better individuals in and outside the box. Especially outside the box.
     
      The first rule of CrossFit is to talk about CrossFit. Maybe we are a cult of sorts. Personally, I don't mind. If that means that we are a community who strive everyday to live with passion, purpose and become better human beings and in the process move our society, our world to change, then yes, go ahead and call us a cult every damn day. After all, in the words of Charles Bukowski,

 "We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death may tremble to take us."

 

In Full Bloom

Life is not all roses in bloom.

The thorns are what make it worth it.

That is the entire point:

That we are made to question our strength, our identity, our humanity.

Who we are. What we are made of,

To bring us always out of our comfort zones.

To drive us to the edge of failure.

To question everything we have ever known
to be true and unchanging.

To change.

To go where the wind takes us.

To flow as a river flows through boulders, rocks, unexpected crevices.

To arrive at a place we may call home
For a time.

Because home is not just a place or a community
but a time in one's life.

That makes every moment precious so that
when the storms come

We are ready

To receive blows that leave us
gasping for air

With our hands grasping the mounds of earth,
dirt that smear our vanities, our pride.

To draw strength from that same earth.

To find infinite possibilities within ourselves.

To believe in those possibilities. 

To breathe again new and deeper breaths and then

To rise

This time stronger.

Wiser.

Better.

More human.

More beautiful

Like roses in full bloom.

"Life is not fair. But it is beautiful." - Patrick Mclean

Life is Short

"Ang Crossfit maka pa batan-on diay no?" (Crossfit does make you look younger.) This was the remark a fellow autism mom made to me last week. It has been two months since we last saw each other. It took her awhile to recognize me. I smiled and said ,"Yes and thank you," as graciously as I could.

Yes, Crossfit does make one look younger and so much more. I started doing Crossfit in our garage of June this year, took my elements classes in Crossfit Pintados Cebu in July.  The positive changes in my body and mind are the consequences of my decision to change many things in the way I live my life-- for starters, the way I eat.  I've decided to select more wisely the kinds of food I've been feeding myself. I've decided to end the denial that sodas and sugared beverages does more harm than good to my body. I've decided to accept the fact that while they give me instant gratification, the long term effects are detrimental. I don't need to watch the various demonstrations on YouTube how one brand of soda is used to clean toilets and remove vehicle rust. 

Nutrition and exercise in whatever form go together. All the time. Nutrition is the foundation. It doesn't matter how often you exercise, how many miles you walk or ride your bike or Zumba your ass off. If you feed your body junk, the effort you put in burning those calories will be junked as well.

I've gone down two dress sizes. But I haven't weighed myself. I don't weigh myself. The dress sizes pretty much speaks for itself. Besides, it's not the pounds shed that I am after. Contrary to what most people who do not know me believe, I'm not doing CrossFit so I can wear a size 3 or 4. And I am not sharing this to rub in the idea of me slimming down. 

I am sharing this to spread the word that we can do better in the way we eat, in the way we go through our daily routines, in the way we move, in the way we love and care for our family. We can do better. As Camille Leblanc-Bazinet, Reebok CrossFit Games 2014 Fittest Woman on Earth has so eloquently said, "We just need to make one better decision every single day."

No, I am not saying you should do Crossfit. Because not everybody can handle it. And that's fine. There are certainly other ways to be healthy.

But we have to make the decision to make one better decision every day. Does that make sense? Decide to decide. And then establish our "why". Come up with a deeply-rooted answer. "So I can wear a bikini and rock the jeans I wore before I got married"  and the like does not count as deeply-rooted. Sorry. It just doesn't. We can do better than that.

Do what needs to be done. Stop procrastinating. Life is short. Three days ago was exactly one year since that massive earthquake in Bohol.  In less than a month, it will be the one year since Typhoon Haiyan/ Yolanda. Life is short. Do not forget what it felt like when the winds ripped everything apart. Do not forget how our lives can be taken from us in a split second. Do not forget. Remember what is precious in your heart. Do what needs to be done.

Trust the process. All else will follow.

My Truth

If CrossFit has taught me anything, it is to constantly ask, "Why am I doing this?" "What for?" Because if I don't,  things will fall apart. Maybe not right away. But eventually.

Establish your why for doing Crossfit. For doing the warm-ups without waiting for your coach telling you to. For lifting that barbell many many times even as your body defies you. For running three rounds  of 400 meter runs even as your mental toughness or whatever is left of it betrays you. For incurring lashes just to get your double-unders right. Even as your breath is stripped down to the visceral level of a gasp.

Ask yourself why. Why you're working your ass off 8 hours a day, 6 days a week for an insufferable boss. Ask yourself why you're persevering in a thankless job that only takes you away from your family. Ask yourself why you are feeding your body junk. Ask yourself why you consider a doughnut a worthy treat for all your hard work. (It's not.) Ask yourself why despite countless betrayals in life, work, love,  you still carry on. Ask yourself why even when life throws a sucker punch and you are left gasping for air, you still manage to catch your breath and start all over again.

Ask why.

When the answers come, don't be afraid. 

Don't be afraid when the day turns to dusk, when storm clouds gather in your mind or in real life as answers often come during these times.

Don't be afraid  when you have nobody beside you but yourself, lying in bed, awake until the wee hours of the night.

Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, establish the hard truths. Your truth.

"Sometimes your scars have a lot less to do with where you've been and a lot more to do with where you're going." - R.M. Drake

So where are you going with all this? What is your why? What is your truth?

Our two boys have autism. The world they will have to face when I am no longer around is uncertain at the very least.
I do Crossfit so I can be healthier, stronger, sharper in mind and body to better care for my boys. For a very long time. 

This is why I endure. This is why I persevere.

This,

 

is my why. 

What's yours? 

Ask yourself why. Find your truth. Your truth will lead you home.

I AM NOT AN ACTIVIST

I am not an activist. I got a D in current events in my senior year because I was that apathetic. But life happened. 

So there's this. 

And then there's this:

http://kickerdaily.com/coco-martin-brings-pet-woman-to-benchs-degrading-fashion-event/

But then, I choose to go back and focus more on this:

Because I cannot do anything about the choices of the people responsible and those who participated (audience members included) in the said fashion event.

Because being frustrated, disappointed, infuriated does not do the community any more good. But taking care of myself by making myself stronger will.

Because maybe, just maybe, whoever  reads this post  will choose to become stronger any way they know how. And in becoming stronger, they realize, if they haven't already,  that demeaning any woman or man, hell, any human being JUST. WON'T. DO.

I am not an activist. But I am an advocate. For women becoming stronger. For men becoming stronger. For our society becoming stronger, better.

Thank you Lisbeth Darsh.

Thank you, Life. 

"Self-care is a form of social activism; it is not selfish. It is the means through which we can transform ourselves and those around us." - Dr. Debra Rouse

Helen

Helen

400 meter run
21 kettle bell swings
12 pull-ups

3RFT. Three. Rounds. For. Time. 

Sweet, sweet Helen. No wonder you sunk a thousand ships. Wait, or was it launch?  It didn't help that our beloved Coach Jayson remarked, in an effort to comfort us,  "Rest while you run." Then he grinned, knowing full well the blatant irony of his words? We, on the other hand cringed, the way your gut twists right before a Calculus or Chemistry exam.

To say that CrossFit requires mental strength more than physical strength is an understatement. I am at war with myself starting at the point when I see the WOD on that darling piece of white board. So if I want to nail the WOD, and not just any WOD, a benchmark workout, be it Helen or any other female-sounding, seemingly harmless name, I need to pull myself together. How do I do that? I  find a string, find other pieces of strings and weave it together, until it becomes stronger, like a rope. And hang on to that rope. For dear life.

I thought of a very dear friend of mine who was pure solace for me during those crucial college years, who has done wonders for my heart for the past 14 years. I decided I was going to confront Helen for Helene and her precious, growing baby girl inside her belly. I decided that they both were going to be my piece of rope this time.

I did not reach the cut-off time of 14 minutes. My time was 15:03. But I finished it. I confronted Helen. In the middle of the run my mind was screaming bloody murder at my body.  Truth be told, I didn't even think of Helene, my friend,  while I was willing my legs that felt like 100 pounds each by the second round, to move. I was, with all effort, trying to sound off the voices inside my head that told me I couldn't do it, to give up, to give in to the pain.

12 years ago, I clearly remember Helene telling me,  "At the end of the day, you will have to face yourself. Alone. Yes you have loved ones around you who will be here for you. But you will have to face your demons. Alone." What she said stuck with me all through these years. The truth of it was undeniable at the time.

Now? More than ever.

Inside the box. 

To nail that 30" box jump,  that 100-lb back squat. To complete the three rounds of 400 meter-run. To lift that kettle bell 63 times. To pull my body weight up 36 times. The coaches are there to teach and guide me with the proper technique and form. My fellow Crossfitters are there to cheer me on. But I and I alone will have to do the work.

Outside the box.

To live and thrive with the reality of autism in our boys' lives, our lives. And many other equally significant challenges, in work, in relationships, we will have to do the work ourselves. The therapists, teachers, our family  and friends will be there to surround us with the various ways of dealing with autism and the many other life challenges. But it is we ourselves who will have to fight the good fight. 

Mental strength. What sustains this much needed mental strength? Not merely constant self-talk, that's for sure. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing CrossFit? Why would anybody else do CrossFit? Why do we endure the trials that come our way? Why do we persevere in this life?

Find out your "why". From there, pour out all the love you have inside you in whatever it is you have decided to do. And this is what will sustain that mental strength. This is what will sustain you. 

I tackled Helen for Helene, my friend. Thank you for being there when I needed a rope to hang on to. 

I decided to do Crossfit for my boys. But above, beyond and beneath it all, I am doing all this to become a better human being. Because Garret and Morgan need me to be one. Because when they grow up and face the world,  they need people who do everything they can to be better than who they already are-- kinder, more compassionate, more resilient, stronger.  More. Every single day. Because maybe, just maybe, in my quest to be healthier in mind and body, in writing this blog, I could somehow compel people to take the high road. And those people just might be the ones who will be around for my boys when I pass on.

The coaches say Helen will be back in four months. Hopefully when that time comes, I'll be strong enough to complete the run finally getting Coach Jayson's wise advice of "Rest while you run", swing that kettle bell way overhead and pull myself up without the help of two bands.

I am optimistic that I will be. Because today I am stronger than yesterday. Much stronger than yesterday. And how much more four months from now.

Helene, the face the launched a thousand ships. Now I remember. It was "launched" not "sunk".

Launch.

verb

1. 

set (a boat) in motion by pushing it or allowing it to roll into the water.

My boys. My little prince Garret and feisty king Morgan. The love of my life, Andro. My dear, dear friend, Helene, my family who gave me roots and let me spread my wings. You are my "why" in this life. You are the reason why I do what I do. Why I endure. You gave me that much needed push into the water so I can sail on my journey. You are the reason why I can face and overcome my demons, so I can be the better than who I already am. Everyday. Thank you.

Oh and yes, thank you Helen. And by Helen, of course I mean CrossFit.

27th August

To  find a place inside myself where nothing is impossible.

To draw strength from my core, to do things always with love.

To go one step further. And always one step further.

To know that ego has no place in the grand scheme of life.

To uncurl the fist and let the things that don't matter go.

To grab on to the things that do.

To hold it with a vise grip.

To find strength there and not be afraid to begin again

And again and again.

To trust in wherever the journey will bring me.

To discover, create, recreate my truth.

And in the process become a better human being. 

For my boys. For myself. 

For the love of my life.

For the people who love me.

For the people who I love.

To be grateful and always be grateful.

No matter what. 

Thank you, Crossfit.

Thank you Universe 

for Crossfit.

Five Things

July 1-4, 2014.  Four days straight. I accomplished my elements classes at Crossfit Pintados Cebu. To say that it was one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life is an understatement.

When the heart is full, it spills over. All over. Where do I start? Five things. Five things I learned.

This is the beauty of Crossfit. Or at least what Crossfit brings to my life.  It enables me to ponder, mull over, then apply. Reflect then live out. The best way I know how. And yes,  it fuels my love for words.

So, five things.

1. Fall softly, quiet yourself.
2. Push yourself from the ground.
3. Keep the bar close to your body.
4. Engage your core.
5. Fear is on the other side of life. 

Fall softly. Quiet yourself. 

Everyone's favorite. Burpees. When you land, land softly. Quiet yourself. Drown out the noise outside and inside your head. If it's burpee day, face it. But one thing's for sure, it won't get any easier if you keep on complaining and yapping. And you can't get through it if you you allow yourself to be drowned out by the noises: It's too difficult. It's too hard. It's so tiring. Why were burpees invented? Who the hell invented burpees?

So if you have to get down on that ground, go ahead. Fall. Your body may thud thunderously, but quiet your mind. Once you get this down to the letter, you can gather strength, the necessary strength to spring back up and hear the one noise that you need to hear, "One!"

Whatever challenges come my way, I need to quiet the negative voices saying, "Oh no, another one?" I need to silence my mind. Reset. Begin to breathe new breaths. With every new breath say, "Yes! Another one. And it's okay. I can do this." The challenge has been set. No use spending unnecessary energy on the why's. Just get down on the ground, gather strength from the quiet and spring back up with the solutions. And hear yourself say, "One!"


Push yourself from the ground.

When doing push-ups, push yourself up from the ground. Start from the ground, not from a plank position. Not up. That's why it's called a push-up not a push-down. 

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." -J.K. Rowling

Life becomes so much more valuable when we lose it. By life, I mean, love, people, things, the muse, beliefs. There is no beauty in having it all. There is no beauty in perfection. There IS, however in struggle, in loss, in the process of overcoming, in kissing the ground, falling face first on the ground, with mud and grime on your face,  and then in the rebuilding.

Yolanda. And other Yolanda's. Rock bottoms. Plenty of them. Many more to come. It doesn't matter. What matters is I know now that all I need to do is to push myself from the ground. Keep pushing myself from the ground. Fall down, get back up. Down, up. Rebuild. Over and over again. And each time, learn something new. Every single time. With each new lesson, become stronger. Become more. Become better than who and what I already am today.


Keep the bar (olympic bar) close to your body.

Yellow elements. Lifts. Keep the bar close to your body. Lift it straight up. No rainbow-ing. Every inch away from the body is several pounds heavier.

There comes a point where one realizes crap doesn't deserve a space in a life anymore. Crap- some material things, issues, people, beliefs that are of no use, that don't make you a better person. You realize the true meaning of the adage, "Be yourself." Stay true to who you are. Stay close to those close to your heart. To whatever beats in synchronicity with the tempo of your heart. All else? Run away from it. Push it away. Because it's just deadweight. You don't need it. Remember what is important. Focus on what matters. Keep the bar close to your body.

"Run my dear from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings. Run like hell my dear from anyone likely to put a sharp knife into the sacred tender vision of your beautiful heart." -Hafez


Engage your core. 

Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. Kettle bell swings. And all else. Generate power from your hips, from your abs, from your core, not your limbs. The limbs get tired. Easily. Strength from them wears out fast.

"Duty makes us do things well. Love makes us do things beautifully." - Zig Ziglar

There is no such thing as too much beauty in this life. We need more of it, even. Passion. Spirit. Heart. Don't do things half-assed. And by ass of course I mean the beast that's your heart.

Fear is on the other side of life.

The 10 kg kettle bell. The 12 kg kettle bell.  The 8 kg wall ball. The burpee. The olympic bar. The run. The plank. The 20" box. The sled.  My entire body weight. All of this, new to me, scary to me. Will I be able to carry it, swing it,  throw it,  pull it, lift my own weight?


I visited my papa's grave. Engraved on his tombstone is his favorite passage from Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd. There is nothing I shall want."

When Typhoon Ruping struck in 1990, I remember my mom and aunts repeating this over and over in prayer.  I was 10 years old. Until now, I could remember how the wind howled.

This was the psalm I chose to be read on my wedding. To say there are numerous uncharted waters in a marriage is just icing on the cake.

When Yolanda struck, I remember faintly chanting Psalm 23 quietly as I held Morgan in my shaking arms, Garret right behind me with confusion in his eyes, Andro bravely checking the rest of the house, thrown by the fierce winds but thankfully unharmed, as the ceilings collapsed one by one.  I do not remember how the wind howled. But I remember how the fear in my ears screamed like geese.

The night after Yolanda struck as we were doing our best to settle into fatigued sleep, I remember berating God. "Why?  Unsa may sala namu nimu? Have we failed you so greatly that you have to inflict this upon us?"

I was angry. I was scared. What next? For my boys. For myself. For my family.

Anger and fear.

These two are very powerful emotions. But they are only as powerful as the permission I give to them to be powerful. Yes, I need these two emotions. Because to be human is to feel all of it. Weep for all of it. Not just the happy parts of life. But the will to overcome is what is important. To overcome is what is important.

The only way to conquer anything is through it. Not around it or over it. Through it.

Fear is on the other side of life. And life is what I want. While I am still living.

"to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again."

-Ellen Bass-

So now, a resounding yes to kettle bells, lunges, sleds, box jumps, push ups, pull ups and all else I haven't had the pleasure of encountering yet.

Five things. Five pieces of affirmation:

To quiet strength.

To embracing imperfection and rebuilding.

To courage and grace.

To passion and love.

To life. 

A sixth one to sum it all up beautifully:

Here's to the beauty that is Crossfit.

The Beauty of All of It

Barbie on Crack.

8 box jumps
8 10 kg kettlebell sumo dead lift high pull
8 walking lunge with kettle bell (10 kg).
AMRAP 8 mins.

I was no barbie. Let me rephrase that. I was NO barbie. And I definitely needed more crack. This was my tired rant after last Saturday's WOD.

I scored 4. As in four pathetic reps in the 8 minutes.

And it seemed not a part of my body was not shaking right after.

A day after, my right arm ached. Two days after the left arm ached. Ached as in thank God for warm compresses and lacrosse ball massages and good old Salonpas (Methyl Salicylate l-Menthol Tocopherol acetate dl-camphor) patches. The cashier at the convenience store asked, "Unsa na ang naa sa imong bukton, ma'am?" (What's that thing on your arm?) I whispered, "I'm not 18 anymore. And this is what happens when you push your 33 year old body to do things you wished you would have done when you were 18." The cashier laughed.  I laughed too.

Because laughter is the best medicine. For bodily aches and psychological aches a.k.a pride.

And why was I at the convenience store? Apart from doing mama duties buying supplies for the boys, I was hoarding additional Salon pas patches. I am laughing as I am typing this.

It's Thursday now. No workouts since Saturday's WOD. Because I needed to recover. Because the body needs time to bounce back. Because there is a time for pushing oneself to the limits and a time for resting. Because one needs to reflect, to mull over, to simmer. Because one needs to be able to pull back, step outside the picture so one can see better. With fresh new eyes. With a renewed sense of determination. A clearer perspective. Because one needs to breathe in all that is good and bad and painful and let out one deep breath to expel all as well. So that one can be reminded of what is important. What is real. What is not. Sift. Re-sift. And grasp only what matters.

I admit. When the pain in both my arms still didn't subside three days after, I was scared. Scared that my body just gave up. And that that was it. Scared that I wasn't made for this. But it did yesterday. My body just needed time.

There is a time for everything. No need to rush. All things come when one is ready.

There is beauty in the breaking, in the undoing, in the mending. All the more in the waiting.

Immerse. Pull back. Sift. Re-sift. Repeat.

When does it stop? It doesn't. That's the beauty of all of it. 

In the Aching

June 11, 2014


"Be a celebration unto yourself." - Osho

My personal coach a.k.a dear husband was easy on me today. 7 kettle bell swings eye level and 7 rings to chest. As Many Rounds As Possible (AMRAP) in 7 minutes. I scored 8 plus 2 rounds.

"Not bad again", he remarked to me. The "again" referring to the Monday "WOD" where I thought I would die in the first rep alone. Blame it on the burpees. 

Today was a good workout. Considering I was emotionally drained from the work at the Center. New muscle aches will come tomorrow, for sure. And I find myself looking forward to it.

I am learning that it is in the aching where the healing begins.

And I am learning to celebrate myself. The little victories, progressions and most of all the various kinds of pains, aches of the heart, mind and body.

Formidable

Nemesis. \'ne-me-ses\

noun

Def. A formidable and usually victorious rival or opponent.

We all have one. We all meet one. Sooner or later.

Of all the "monsters" I have had to face in my life. I think I may have finally encountered my very own formidable opponent. It wasn't the agonizing labor of my first-born, and the eventual caesarian section and the succeeding searing pain in the scar as it healed slowly nor the subsequent  c.s. section of my second-born either. Nor was it the molar extraction I recently had. Nor was it the engraving of my boys' name on the flesh of my ribcage.

Two words. BUR-PEES.

Seemingly harmless, even comic word/s. Don't be fooled. It will wear you down like a mule. It will parch you dry as dry as the most arid of deserts. Not that I've been to one. It will create warring voices in your head that spins your left and right hemispheres out of control that make you cry out in exhaustion. No, not cry out as in "AAAAAH". I mean weep. Like fighting for every ounce of your strength weep.


But this afternoon at 5:30 p.m. I confronted the damn monster.  For the very first time. And I tell you it  certainly wasn't love at first sight.

If the internal reprimand on myself that went, "Why are you punishing yourself? Why the hell? What the hell?" is any indication of how the "first encounter" went, then you would know the entire story.

7 Wall Balls. 5 Burpees. As many reps as possible within 7 minutes. The seven minutes seemed like an eternity. But come to pass it did. And no, I did not pass out. I almost passed out.

Three days ago, an acquaintance asked me how the husband convinced me to do Crossfit. For those of you who may not be informed, suffice it to say that the husband is the outdoor, athletic one. Me? The total opposite of him. This was my answer to the question: "With everything that has happened, Yolanda and all else, I think everything just fell into place, meaning, I realized that I cannot afford to be weak when our boys need me to be at my best all the time. It's not enough that I am not unhealthy. I have to be better than healthy, stronger, more efficient, better than who I was before. If we can live forever for our boys, we will. But we know we can't. So this is our gift to both of them.

But, man, while I was doing the second rep of burpees, I could almost hear myself saying to my boys, "Can I give you another gift instead?"

The truth is, while I'm doing the WOD'S that Andro prepares for me, I cannot even think of my boys. Because with every  10th sumo dead lift high pull, every 5th burpee (I know, pathetic), I am at war with myself. The heaving and gasps of breath and sweat running down every nook and cranny of my body doesn't even come close to explicitly expound the battle I have in my head. Voices in varying decibels, the sharp and not at all considerate kind screaming at me I cannot even hear One Republic and Bono blaring, cheering me on in the background.

When I finish the workout, that's when I can think of my boys. My Garret and Morgan. I look at them playing with the water hose in our garage. Yes they play in front of me as I work out. And I don't know why but even as I collapse from sheer exhaustion, when I see Garret's eyes crinkling in delight, when I see Morgan's cheeks happily puffed up pink, I still manage to smile in spite of the battle I just fought with myself.  And a gentle and crystal clear voice inside my head resounds, "This is the answer to your why."

And this is when I am reminded that the pain I allow myself to go through with every WOD, is nothing, NOTHING compared to the struggle that my boys deal with with the world every single day. "Wa ra ni sa kiting", we say in our language.

This is what drew me to Crossfit. The breaking of one's ego. The purposeful breakdown of one's bravado. Because at the end of every workout, you literally fall on your knees. Weeping. Puking. Weeping. And once you're broken for the day, you see light. You gain insight. You are reminded of what is really important in life. You find out your why.

And then you retrace your steps and start all over again the next day for a different set of body breaking, ego-stripping exercises.

With every set, you get stronger. Better. Sharper. Humbler. More graceful. More discerning. Perhaps you may even be as formidable than your opponent. Maybe  even more victorious.

My WOD score: 5 Rounds + 2 Wall Balls. Within 7 minutes. Not bad, my husband says. "Really." I reply, part disbelief, part wanting to believe. But, belief won over. For self-preservation's sake, whatever ego I have left. (Wink!)

So to you, Burpee(s) (yes, it's actually just one word), you may have broken me today. You may have earned the title of "nemesis" in my dictionary today. But tomorrow and  the days after that, I'll be the one to hold that title. Four words.

FOR.MI.DA.BLE.


"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." - John Keating quoting Henry David Thoreau in Dead Poet's Society